my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
