low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I want to fling myself into the sun
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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