I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
