good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
