Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
