You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
