Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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