I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
