shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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