His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
