I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
