my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
