Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
