Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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