Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
