i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
