she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
