She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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