what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
