That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I will be naked everywhere
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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