Four minutes until I can fart!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
