Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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