I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
