Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
