Farmville is her only friend.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
