She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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