the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
