my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
