I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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