Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
