Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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