she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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