remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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