what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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