textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
