Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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