I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
