its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
