I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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