FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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