I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
