I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
