I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
