Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
