Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
