if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
