whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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