the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
