I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
