my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
