They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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